- Transcribed by Barb Baker Barb Baker
- Edition: July 28, 1888 July 28, 1888
CAPTAIN CUTTLE'S NOTES.
I am worried to death by people asking me what politics the "Star" goes in for. Let me say once for all that it doesn't go in for any party politics whatever, and it doesn't mean to either, unless it likes. Whatever views individual members of the staff may hold on political matters, the "Star" holds all shades of politics and all creeds in religion alike in the same esteem, and lets them severely along. This paper neither pretends to govern the country nor discriminate between creeds. Liberal, Tory, Radical, Unionist, Home Ruler, Churchman, Dissenter, Catholic, or Orangeman, are alike to the Star, they interfere with none, but sail on calmly and grandly, looking down alike at all, and shining on both the just and the unjust. So doth this "Star". Of all shades of politicians, I say
"Confound their politics
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
And..........buy the "Star".
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"Where is the Workington Fine Art Exhibition?" That's what I heard a lady ask a policeman the other day. The intelligent officer took her in at a glance, and he said "You mean Barnes' Exhibition, the Great Open-air Show that Barnum is coming to see?" The lady said that was it exactly. "Well, then," said the blue bundle, "its all over the town, go where you will here, in or out or round about, you'll find that Barnes has been; with wondrous bills each space he fills, the like was never seen !"
So tht lady went to look round, and I believe Barnes would have given a bucket of his best water-proof paste to have seen how plelased she was when she reached Finkle-street, and saw the beautiful pictures on the new boarding next to the "Star" office. It isn't everygody has an Exhibition like Dan Brnes, why Glasgow's simply nowhere.
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Talking about pictures, aren't those that are out about the company that is coming this week end and all next week to the Jubilee Hall, just lovely. I must say that if "In the Ranks" is as good on the boards of the Jubilee Hall and Opera House as it is on Barne's boards outside, then it will be a treat. Talk of soldiers ! Why where will the riflemen be poor things, when they see "In the Ranks" at the Jubilee Hall? I'm going, that is if I can get in, for I guess there'll be an awful crush, and my advice to everybody is "Be in time, be in time, and go early and often to see "In the Ranks".
And I'm very glad that MESSRS. WOOD and CLARK have spirit enough to bring a good company here, and to get up something worth running special trains for. Go on, gentlemen; you are on the right tack; its time somebody took mercy on Workington; and I hope you'll have a rattling good season.
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Since I came to Workington, I have made a note that two of the greatest arts in this world are to keep a polish on a silk hat, and off the shoulders of a frock coat.
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I have been conversing with the oldest inhabitant in Workington, and he doesn't remember such a damp July. Everybody is peevish, irritable, and discontented, especially the lawn tennis exquisite, and the cricketing professor, for it has rained every day for nearly a month up to the time of writing, and those whose hearts yearn for a spoonful of summer are in despair. Fine growing weather, eh ? Yes, the crops are looking good, especially the crops of dandelions and weeds. I flatter myself I can show as fine specimens of these interesting plants as any grower in the North of England.
But personally, I don't care what sort of weather it is, wet or dry, cold or warm, is all the same to CUTTLE. The meat I get is to pay for all the same whether the weather be dry or damp, and the milk always shows the same beautiful want of cream let the days be ever so summery. Besides, I'm entirely of the Irishman's opinion that any weather at all is better than none. Why if we had no weather - Bless us ! - we should have no "Star" and no CUTTLE !
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Last week you had an account of an elopement in the "Star", but you don't know what I've got. I heard it all myself, and on condition that you put no remarks of your own at the bottom, Mr. Editor, I'll tell you about it.
I was down near the Old Poorhouse, and the parties didn't see me at all, but I saw them, and its all true. "Yes, darling," he said in tones of deep tenderness, "I would do anythiing to show my love for you." "Ah!" sighed the gentle maiden, "that's what all men say when they are striving to win a woman's heart." "Put me to the proof" he exclaimed in wild passionate tones; "put me to the proof, test me, and see if I fail. Set me any task within the bounds of possibility and it shall be performed."
"Ah!" she murmured, "if I could only believe you." "Put me to the test, Say to me Do this, or Do that, and it shall be done." "Then I will put you to the test." "Ah!" he exclaimed exultingly, "you shall behold the height, the depth, the length, the breadth, the circumference of my love ! What is the test?"
The maiden dropped her snowy lids until the silken lashes rested on the peach bloom of her cheek, a slight smile dimpled the corners of her mouth, and bending over the youth who knelt at her feet, she whispered:
"Marry some other girl !"