CAPTAIN CUTTLE'S NOTES.

I have heard several persons saying lately that Workington should have some cheap trips or trains run into it, as at present everything goes out and the town is constantly being drained of cash that the shopkeepers could very well do with.

Well, listen to CUTTLE.  Get the local railway authorities to issue half-price tickets by certain trains to Cockermouth on Mondays, Wigton on Tuesdays, Whitehaven on Thursdays, and Maryport on Fridays.  In return let half-price trains be run on Wednesdays to Workington from all those four towns and the stations between. There's an idea, and a good one.  Just try it, and I guarantee that Workington will then have a market day worth talking about.  If carried out, this plan would bring thousands of people and thousands of pounds INTO the town I'm certain.

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Now leaving that subject, I wold like to know who the wag is that signs himself "Antiquary", and writes to one of our contemporaries from "Lowther-street, Whitehaven."  Who ever he is, he managed very cleverly with his imposition, and now he can chuckle to the end of his days.  The same trick was played nearly twenty years ago in this very town, but "Antiquary" has ingeniously improved the inscription on the "find"  And what saith MR. WALLACE ?

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My landlady was complaining to me several times about the furious driving of busses down the main streets of the town on Saturday nights, so last Saturday night I just took my stand beside the Wesleyan chapel and watched.  And its the solemn truth, I saw busses driven down those narrow streets at a great deal faster rate than was safe or sensible, for the streets were crowded and people had to jump in all directions for one bus I noticed.  Gentlemen in blue livery, please cut out this note, and look out.

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My fellow-lodger has been bothering me all this last week about putting a picture in the "Star" of a gentleman who he says once saved his life near Ravenglass. On looking at the picture, I find that it is one of the finest specimens of an English gentleman that is left to us, and I am sure Mr. Editor you will allow me to introduce your readers to him here.............

LORD MUNCASTER, M.P.

I cannot say a deal about his lordship, and anything I could say is in his favour entirely.  He is, I believe, a very good fellow, and bears an excellent name among his tenantry, and that is a good recommendation.  I believe his lordship comes of the ancient family of PENNINGTON's, and as MRS. CUTTLE was a Pennington, I feel specially interested in that name.  You see, Mr. Editor, the PENNINGTON's are the direct descendants of WILLIAM P?AN, who was the father of the North American Indians.  He was assassinated by a number of people called Quakers, in the Island of St. Helena, where he had been visiting LORD BURLEIGH and OLIVER CROMWELL.  His father was a nephew of ABRAHAM LINCOLN and he took a leading part in securing for this country, the act of Magna Charta.

[ We have an impression that CAPTAIN CUTTLE has got just a little mixed in the matter of history.  However, he must be held responsible for his statements, we won't. ... Ed. ]

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There was a very bad mistake in last weeks' "Star" Mr. Editor; you put "os" for "so," right at the top of a page too.  I suppose you know better, and that it was a mistake, but however I thought it my duty to make note of it.  I bought six copies of six different boys, and it was the same way spelled in everyone of them.  Thank me for telling you about it.

[ Very much obliged, CAPTAIN; tell us about our mistakes, but what of your own ? .....Ed. ]

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Last Sunday afternoon I took a walk out Clifton way, and I went to see the famous Clifton mushrooms, but it wasn't there.  Of course, you have heard about that mushroom ?  The gentleman who found it thought it was a lady's umbrella.  It was a good middling-sized mush-room - about 34 inches in circumference - which doesn't leave mush-room for improvement.  When it was cut there was a crow - or a cow, or something - found under it.  The crow, or cow, or whatever it was, seemed to be asleep in the shade.  The cow was lying at least someone was lying about there.  It's a queer story, and shows you how the march of intelligence is pushing on - so to speak - in the agricultural districts.

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When I was coming back from Clifton,, I called in at a farm house at Stainburn, and there was a great discussion going on over an article in some magazine or other.  The article was entitled "The Best Way to keep Girls on the Farm," and the writer of it no doubt imagines he knows all about it.  But listen to CUTTLE, O ye agriculturists.  The best way to keep the girls on the farm is to keep the boys there and the girls will stay to keep them company.  Hurrah !  Three cheers for CUTTLE.

" O THOSE GIRLS, THOSE NAUGHTY YOUNG GIRLS,

WHY DON'T THEY LEARN TO BE GOOD, BE GOOD ? "

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Very well, Mr. Editor, if I'm not allowed to sing and be happy in my own way, I'll resign, and I give you twelve months notice right off, sir.  Don't think you'll settle me with asking "Whats that horrid noise?'  you must know, sir, I have won more prizes than one before today with singing.  I'll write no more this week, now!  In witness whereof I make my mark.

.................................CUTTLE, Captain;

[ The old sinner was making a most awful row, bawling at the very top of his cracked voice about "Naughty young girls," &c., and we really had to stop it.  If he does it again we shall be obliged to reduce his salary considerably, a tom-cat can sing better than he does.....Ed. ]

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Don't borrow the "Star"  Buy it.  Happy homes are they that have "Stars" in them.

Ask your Grocer and your Draper to advertise in the "Star".  It will do them good.

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