FACTS AND FACETIAE.

"Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddlewise !" said a gentleman.  "No", said
one of his guests, "cut it bridlewise, for then I may have a chance to get a
bit in my mouth."
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HOW, INDEED ? - "Gracious marcy me !" exclaimed an old lady in a witness
box, "how should I know anything about anything I don't know anything about
? "
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FLATTERY. - A voter praising a favourite candidate at a late Irish election,
said, "He is as fine a fellow as ever lifted a hat to a lady or a boot to a
blackguard."
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HARD WATER. - A boy who was called up by his teacher for giving his school
mate a black eye, pleaded that he only threw a bit of water at him;  but on
being pressed in the cross-examination, he at last admitted that the water
was frozen.
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RACEY.  A funeral was recently postponed because the carriages were all at a
racecourse.  The townsfolk consider life itself a racecourse, and that the
dead should not be buried until the heat of the day is over.
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A very dull person once succeeded in raising a laugh after the following
fashion:  When a witty neighbour set the table in aroar, he exclaimed, as
the laughter subsided, "By Jupiter, I would have said that myself, ' if I
had only thought of it.'
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NOT LOST. - An Englishman travelling in Kilkenny came to a ford, and hired a
boat to take him across.  The water being more agitated than was agreeable
to him, he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage.
"Never," replied the man;  "my brother was drowned here last week, but we
found him next day."
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"SOMETHING FROM HIS PEN." - BROWN relates the following bit of conversation
he had with an acquaintance:  He said he used to write for the papers once,
and, meeting an editor one day, the editor said that he would like something
from his pen, and says he, "What do you think I sent him ?:  Says I, "Give
it up."  Says he, "Well, he said he wanted something from my pen, so I sent
him a pig."
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An Irish labourer, who was in the employ of an English gentleman residing in
Ireland, was on one occasion about going to a fair, held annually at a
neighbouring village, when his master endeavoured to dissuade him from his
design.  "You always," says he, "come back with a broken head;  now stay at
home to-day, PHELIM, and I'll give you five shillings."    "I'm for ever and
all obliged to your honour," replied PHELIM, "but does it stand to rason,",
added he, flourishing his shillelah over his head - "does it stand to reason
that I'd take five shillings for the grate 'bating I'm to get to-day?'"
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SCIENCE AND FACT. - Here's another one of those delightful facts of science:
"Feeling is a much slower sense than sight.  If a man had an arm long enough
to reach the sun, and were to touch that body with the tip of his finger, he
would never find out whether it were hot or cold, as he would be dead before
the sensation reached head-quarters, which would require 100 years.
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CONCLUSIVE. - The following dialogue occurred in the Faubourg, St. Honore,
Paris, between a patriarchal gentleman and his grandaughter:  "What makes
your hair so white grandpa?" inquired the maiden.  " I am very old my dear;
I was in the ark," says grandpa, humourously, but with a reckless regard for
truth.  "Oh", says the child, regarding her relative with a fresh interest,
"are you Noah?"    "No, I am not Noah."   "Are you Shem, then?"    "No, I am
not Shem."    "Are you Ham?"    "No, I am not even Ham."    "Then you must
be Japhet," says mademoiselle, at the end of her historical tether, and
growing rather impatient at the difficulty that surrounded her aged
relative's identification,  "No, I am not Japhet."      "Then grandpa,
you're a beast."
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